Clare's Diary

Dear diary,

I decided I am going to leave to Irene's today and join her for Mrs. Freeland's party after Jack leaves for Philadelphia. Things have been going well and so far nothing has even begin to make Jack question what I do when he leaves. Even if he does find out about my whereabouts, it should be pretty easy to make something up. Though this point I could care less. I've lived too much of my life in pain, fear and angst. I rather enjoy the rest of it as long as I can and will do ANYTHING to make sure I can continue this charade. At this point even my daughter is beginning to seem as a burden and the only thing keeping me tied down to Jack.

 Listen to myself...its when I say things like this around Irene she begins to be wary of me and my intentions. Though she doesn't express it outright its not hard to tell. If only she understood what I've been through! For twelve years I've been running and hiding from myself, from my people, from my own race! At times I myself don't understand the choices I've made, though I definitely do not blame my youth for my mistakes. Even so, it shouldn't be so hard for her to understand why I chose to "pass" for white. I wanted to experience life on the other side and reap the benefits I knew I'd never had. I was reassured of this fact once my father died and I was forced to be my own "family's" Negro servant. After years of the fake smiles, nods and fake conversations, however, I now long for friendship and to actually be able to live as I should have in the first place. Is that really so hard to understand?

At least Brian understands me. He and I both share a hatred for this White dominated society and the struggles were are being forced to endure in order to even have a chance of living a normal life. Sadly, Irene doesn't share our worldly view and  is content with things as they are or has hope that things will improve. Brian has told me of his attempt to try and remove the veil of hope blinding her to the current state of things. He too feels trapped in a precarious situation and is torn between the loves of his life and his dream to live where he no longer has to take constant abuse or be seen as a lesser being.One thing is sure, at least I finally have someone to talk to who doesn't see me as having some alternative motive. Someone I can share my thoughts with. Irene is lucky to have a man like Brian. Maybe one day I too will find someone I can be myself with.

I truly am grateful for this opportunity Irene has given me to finally feel a sense of belonging once again. I almost forgot how it felt to be in the company of friends and not have to worry about my appearance. Only a miracle to finally set me free....

C.