After our chance run in at the Drayton the other day and tea with Gertrude, it seems as if there is more about this passing business that you were curious to know, but too polite to ask. And there is more that I would like to tell you. You see, there really is no one that I can ever talk to these things about. It was great seeing you and being able to talk to you about my past while also being present in my current life. With all the people that I surround myself with now, including my husband of course, I can't so much as mention the past without things getting messy. Surely, there are many parts of my past and my childhood that I am just fine forgetting about or at least putting out of mind as often as possible. Yet, there was some great freedom I felt while being with you. It was as if you were a bridge built between the person I used to be and the person I have now constructed to take her place. I was able to stand on this bridge for a short amount of time and feel free because all was out in the open. But of course, I had to cross back over onto the side of the bridge where I now live. And how easy it was to cross onto this side of the bridge when I first moved over here. And can you really blame me?
After my father passed, I was released from all apparent connection to my Negro self. As fair as I am, nobody can tell from looking at me the race that I truly belong to. I was in servitude to these aunts of mine and I needed to escape. And all it took to transport me to this new world and to this new identity was marriage to a white man and erasure of my past. Within a matter of days my life became elevated to levels greater than could ever be achieved had I stayed in the place I was. My physical appearance did not change at all, yet the interpretation of my appearance changed dramatically. The changes were as clear as is my skin had been dark and had changed to many shades lighter, though for me this kind of change was not necessary to find success. Even though you may view this choice as a betrayal to our race, not doing it would have been a betrayal to myself. I had the opportunity to drastically change my life, so I took it. Surely 'Rene you cannot fault me for this.
The real problem for me now is that crossing back over this bridge has become impossible. Though I was accepted into this new community openly (because of everyone's lack of knowledge) I am not now accepted back into my old community because of the presence of knowledge of my actions. I cannot even talk to my husband about any of this because he of course can never know. And this is why I value you so much 'Rene dear. I do hope we see each other again soon. In fact, I will make sure that we do. Perhaps I will see you in New York.
Very Best,
Clare
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