Jackie/Jack

[Diary entry from The Jazz Singer]

September 12, 1927

Tonight has been at once one of the most exhilarating and most anguishing nights of my life. I don't know how to handle all of the emotions that are coursing through me right now. Tonight was my big break, the opening night of my show on Broadway. Broadway! The big time! And yet, right as I was finishing putting on my makeup, who comes in but Mama, telling me that I must go home and sing at tonight's services, for the holiest of days. At first I was hopeful that maybe Papa had forgiven me after all these years, maybe he finally realized that I am meant to be a jazz singer and not a cantor.

I must confess, however, that my heart was in my throat when I realized (as soon as I saw Mama) that my two worlds were colliding without my input or consent. I had worked so hard to become Jack Robin, but now those who knew me as Jackie Robinowitz were coming to shatter that illusion. It didn't even matter that I had gone so far as to cover my face with the black paint in order to even further distance myself from my old identity, my Jewish race; my newly constructed, carefully maintained life seemed like it was about to come crashing down.  Mama almost started crying when she saw the mask I painted on, it pained her so, but she doesn't understand that I need the mask in order to succeed in the business. No one wants little old Jackie Robinowitz to sing to them-- they want Jack Robin! I had hoped that through the use of makeup I could somehow escape my immigrant identity (Rogin 420), but alas, it was not to be.

Seeing Mama tonight made me feel so conflicted! On the one hand, the premiere of the Broadway show is the biggest opportunity of my life! But on the other hand, I felt the call of Israel in my soul. Do I go with my race, my given identity? Or do I go with the life I have chosen for myself? Both choices mean denying a crucial part of myself. How do I reconcile the two? Can I? And what of Mary Dale? Sweet Mary did not realize she was getting mixed up with a Jewish man. She is an innocent bystander who is caught up in this web of deceit I have woven.

I must hurry off. The decision must be made... Broadway or home?

-Jackie