The American Dream

Dear Diary,

Tonight I am writing with a heavy heart, an angry heart. You see, my mother-in-law and father-in-law have decided not to join Mamie and me for New Year's this year and I know what pain this decision is causing my sweet Mamie and how it is partially because of me. Her father will not accept me or my background, which I often find infuriating, because it feels like in that decision, he is denying his own past and our shared culture as well.
My family came to this country searching for the American Dream. Like most people who are far from home and scared and lonely, they sought comfort in the familiar and made their new home in Chinatown, where I was born. In Chinatown, I grew up navigating this new, constantly changing identity. I am Chinese, I am American, I am both at once. I feel like I am constantly mediating the tension between those two cultures, between the two identities of which I feel so much a part. It seems that Mamie's father cannot accept the idea of being two things at once, as if once a Chinese person comes to American, they must relinquish their former culture in favor of the new one. The Chinese inside must die and be replaced with an American. Yet, that becomes problematic as well because white Americans often do not accept the Chinese immigrant. So if the outside world looks down on the immigrant and the immigrant looks down on himself, where is he to go from there? Is there not a way to have both? To create a fusion? My family is just like that of Mr. Tape's-- we want the same thing and have worked harder than probably most people in this country! But it's as if he's forgotten what it's like to struggle, or not to know, or to be anything other than an outwardly fully Americanized Chinese person. I believe he feels that he has achieved the American Dream and now cannot help or acknowledge the struggle of others because he overcame his own struggles.
How could such a man produce my Mamie? When I met Mamie I felt like I'd found my soulmate. Even though her family renounces their Chinese identity and raised their children in as an "American" a fashion as possible, I know that Mamie still feels the pull of China and still feels like she identifies with those of us who grew up in Chinatown, who grew up with one foot in each world. Yet, the strained relationship with her parents creates a tension in our relationship at times. She leans on me to be her family and while I want to be everything I can be to her, sometimes I am afraid I might fail, and that she will resent me.
I hope someday that Mr. Tape might accept me and my background, but until then, I will continue to be the best I can be, for my family, for Mamie, and for myself.

Herman