Mary's thoughts

I am amused at the many different ways I can be perceived just by simply walking through the streets of San Francisco just to pick my children up from school. From my muslin Victorian dress to my Chinese facial features, I am a spectacle for everyone to notice and comment. It’s rare enough for Chinese women to be seen here, but as a Chinese woman who fancies Western culture and attire, I stick out like a sore thumb. I’ve heard both white and Chinese women cackle behind me and berate me for seemingly mimicking something I could never be. But I pity them, for they do not know my story. They do not understand the struggles I’ve faced. God has delivered me in this way and I am unapologetic about His blessings upon me.

My identification with whiteness is certainly not a form of self-hate. “It was imposed on (me) by the circumstances of (my) own experience” (55). Reader, I ask that you understand the perils I’ve faced as a young girl; betrayed by my own people. I’ve forgiven those individuals of my race who have done me wrong, but what’s done is done. The sweet white people who took me in, gave me religion and provided me with a wholesome upbringing had given me a glimpse into what it means to be an American. Although growing up here and raising my family has been an uphill battle in terms of fully grasping first-class citizenship and American motherhood, the blessings bestowed upon the Tape family over the years have given me faith that through the generations, we will achieve the American dream.

The Lord knows that I did not want to send my children to the Chinese Primary School. How un-American it was to participate in this segregationist culture aimed to prevent my children from progress? But the experience taught me that there were a number of things Joseph and I had to be intentional about in order to guarantee that our children would have access, such as making sure that our children had limited contact with Chinese children and culture and exposing them to the arts, which granted me access to prominent social circles … bringing me a little step closer to acceptance and full citizenship. Joseph and I were extremely fortunate to be coddled out of the Chinese American dead-end that many of our countrymen ended up. This fortune had to live on through our children.