Fake Tom's Diary

This is a diary entry of fake Tom after Roxy has told him his identity and argued with him after he missed the duel. He’s in a sort of panic about his identity and trying to calm himself and think everything through. My goal was to show the emotions that come with being raised with white privilege and a white identity that have been stripped, which include his anger, disbelief, superiority, and malice.

Dear Diary,

I’ve been having those damned dreams again- they’re making me crazy! Every time I see that Chambers, or really, Tom, myself, the man who’s life I took, I feel like a criminal. But this isn’t my fault, it can’t be. I didn’t decide this, Roxy did. Roxy switched us and went and lied to everyone, and the fool Driscoll trusted her. She’s a snake, a real nigger who can’t be trusted. Her behavior shows how I’m different from them, and if everyone believes I’m white then who’s to say otherwise. Her light skin and pretty face sure doesn’t make her white, not when she talks and acts the way she does, just like the rest of them. I don’t even know why I’m afraid of her telling anyone. I don’t know who’d believe her. I know for damned sure that if some black woman came trying to tell me crazy things like my son isn’t my son I’d, well hell I don’t even know what I’d do- no negro would dare say something like that to me.

But for some reason I just don’t understand how to behave anymore. I was so shaken today by what Roxy (God damnit, I’m so tired of calling her “Ma”) said. I can’t believe she thinks she can talk to me that way! Saying crazy things like “Thirty-one parts o’ you is white, en on’y one part nigger, en dat po’ little on part is yo’ soul (75).” My soul. What the hell does she know about my soul? My soul is who I am, who I’ve been all these years. I don’t have to fight if I don’t want to. I’m Tom Driscoll- no murdering Italians can challenge me. Hell, they’re just as bad as the niggers. I really don’t know why they think that they can talk to me this way either, in fact. All these people getting out of line, being out of their place, it’s getting me all worked up and confused. But really, I think I just need to calm down and focus on keeping calm. They can’t touch me. Roxy can’t do anything to me. She can’t say anything. I’m not worried.