This is a diary
entry of fake Tom after Roxy has told him his identity and argued with him
after he missed the duel. He’s in a sort of panic about his identity and trying
to calm himself and think everything through. My goal was to show the emotions
that come with being raised with white privilege and a white identity that have
been stripped, which include his anger, disbelief, superiority, and malice.
Dear
Diary,
I’ve been having those damned dreams
again- they’re making me crazy! Every time I see that Chambers, or really, Tom,
myself, the man who’s life I took, I feel like a criminal. But this isn’t my
fault, it can’t be. I didn’t decide this, Roxy did. Roxy switched us and went
and lied to everyone, and the fool Driscoll trusted her. She’s a snake, a real
nigger who can’t be trusted. Her behavior shows how I’m different from them,
and if everyone believes I’m white then who’s to say otherwise. Her light skin
and pretty face sure doesn’t make her white, not when she talks and acts the
way she does, just like the rest of them. I don’t even know why I’m afraid of
her telling anyone. I don’t know who’d believe her. I know for damned sure that
if some black woman came trying to tell me crazy things like my son isn’t my
son I’d, well hell I don’t even know what I’d do- no negro would dare say
something like that to me.
But for some reason I just don’t
understand how to behave anymore. I was so shaken today by what Roxy (God
damnit, I’m so tired of calling her “Ma”) said. I can’t believe she thinks she
can talk to me that way! Saying crazy things like “Thirty-one parts o’ you is
white, en on’y one part nigger, en dat po’ little on part is yo’ soul (75).” My soul. What the hell does she know about my soul? My soul is who I
am, who I’ve been all these years. I don’t have to fight if I don’t want to.
I’m Tom Driscoll- no murdering Italians can challenge me. Hell, they’re just as
bad as the niggers. I really don’t know why they think that they can talk to me
this way either, in fact. All these people getting out of line, being out of
their place, it’s getting me all worked up and confused. But really, I think I
just need to calm down and focus on keeping calm. They can’t touch me. Roxy
can’t do anything to me. She can’t say anything. I’m not worried.
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